My Blog

Oh gentle winds beneath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?

Below the branches, here about,
Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do you not hear my woeful screams?

Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do you not see my hearts askew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do you not feel my jagged scars?

Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you will not find it amongst these trees.

It’s scattered across the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It’s drifting upon the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.

It’s buried beneath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all my sorrow there.
It’s lost among the stars this night,
Too hurt to know what is right.

No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply … it has torn apart.

My mum recently had a bad fall.. she slipped and landed hard on her right buttock..It was really fortunate she did not break any bones.. but her bone density test earlier this yr showed good, dense, strong bones and nowhere near osteopenic stage.

But she did have 1 complaint. She cant sit squarely on her 2 bum cheeks. No wonder she was behaving so wierdly lately, preferring to stand and watch tv.. :Treatment is going to be painful, i warned her. Go ahead, i have high pain threshold..I gave birth to 2 of u remember? She said. Alright, if you say so. And the next minute, like a trigger button, she started yelling out in pain..And she stops when i stop, and she starts when i start..And this went on for the next 10minutes, until i ceased treatment.

The house was quiet and the whole family went to bed.

The following night.. she came up to me when i was watching tv, and said “later you do for me again okay?”

!!???!!?!

Now you would imagine that after yesterday, any sane person would try to stay away as far from me as possible or even tremble if the slightest word of “buttock” leaves my mouth, right? Apparently not. Some pple just keep coming back for more.. Not because they like pain (well, maybe a small fraction of them do) but because they got better and hence, has associated the pain with symptom relief. Hard to swallow, right? Yeah, i know.. My mum went to bed with the pain I inflicted on her gradually ebbing away, and woke up without any pain, and to her surprise, was also able to sit squarely on her buttocks. And so, her brain has registered the previous night “torturous” experience as “good pain” and is willing to endure more of it.

I think this theory applies to other aspects of our lives too. Sometimes we have to get hurt abit.. get upset abit.. endure abit of pain.. in order to get the good outcome we hope for.. Although bearing in mind that this “good outcome” is of no guarantee..but nothing in life is.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Cant sleep tonight…Too much things on my mind and the silence in the room is deafening..its always been like this.. whenever i have a problem, i think. And think. And think and think. And i lose sleep. Now its fine if i can get a solution after all that hard thinking.. but on days like these, where things are beyong my control.. i just suffer. And hence this sudden urge to blog hits me again..

Its been 4 months since i last blogged. i must say 2008 has been an extremely eventful year for me…both good and bad.

Work wise, it has been extremely challenging and rewarding up in the wards. Just a few days ago, a pt who ive been seeing for the last 2 months, had just been transferred to the rehab ward. This is a pt who we all thought would eventually go to a community hosp or nursing home.. that sick he was. But you wouldnt believe the transformation and recovery he had undergone… This is the sort of pt who makes you go "yah.. all our hardwork is not for nothing".

Very soon, i would be seeing a different group of pts altogether. Not entirely new or foreign since im merely going back to where it all started. Back to my previous area Outpatients. After 11months in the wards, i wondered if i have lost the skills to manage the pts with totally different needs and problems. mm..

It was a difficult decision for me to make. This rotation. I was at a crossroad where i knew my decision may very well affect the path i take in this career..But i guess nothing is definite. right? We can never predict the future, and our decisions can only be made based on the circumstances and situations that are affecting us currently.. Still, it was a difficult decision.

But i’m not looking back.

Being in a relationship is sweet.. but definitely not easy. Yes, i should know better, being in 2 other prior to this. But everything in life is as such, isnt it? So im not complaining..but disappointment is an awful feeling..It has the ability to  pull you all the way down from cloud number 9. And that bitter taste it leaves in your mouth is not something i relish.. We try so hard to be perfect humans.. or rather the perfect other half - try to shrug it off and remain happy even when you are disappointed.. but its really not easy. How should we go about doing it? Not be openly disappointed so as not to give pressure to your gf/bf yet still have an avenue to let it out so that you can get over it faster and be happy again….Can you do it? I’m still trying..

I strongly believe that life is too short for us to waste. Be happy and dont look back. Have not completely mastered this philosophy but its my motto in life..Be it for work or personal life..

If only we can be perfect…

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me as much as I love you

And each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand

My time has come and I have to leave behind those I dearly love

But as I turned to walk away a tear fell from my eye

For all my life I had always thought I didn’t want to die

I had so much to live for so much yet to do

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad

I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had

If I could relive Saturday just even for a while

I would say goodbye and kiss you then I could see you smile

But then I fully realised that could never be

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me

And when I thought of worldly things

That I might miss come tomorrow

But when tomorrow starts without me don’t think we’re far apart

For every time you think of me I’m right here in your heart

So no more tears I want to see, just a fleeting grin

When you remember how we were, the trouble we got in

So go on with your life now and keep smiling all the way

For there is more to your life, don’t let it pass you by.

So when tomorrow starts without me just remember I am near

To guide you and love you like I always did, and take away your fear

I still cant believe you are gone..
Can you hear us calling you?
If you are watching us, i m sure your tears are no less than ours..

I feel no hatred towards the driver.. I believe he didnt mean for it to happen..
But my heart seemed to have stopped beating..
I keep on hearing your voice calling "ah-ruby-ah"..
I keep on seeing your face each time i close my eyes..
But why do you not appear infront of me when i open them?
Instead i see your happy face behind a framed object..
And my tears start rolling again..

How could you be gone? I was going to plan a holiday for all of us in july..and kor was  going to surprise you..I was going to bring all of u shopping and eating all the yummy food.. and sit back and smile while you all aunties squabble over who foots the bills and who shld shove their wallets back into their bags…
But now, we are left with a hole in our hearts…

Kallang mrt station will nv be the same again.. Everyday when i stand above waiting for the train, im sure my heart will break as i glance at the area…The area where we stood standing this afternoon calling you back.. The area when you were taken away from us. forever..

Life will never ever be the same again without you…
and i wish i have told you this before..
i love you sam yi ma..

So many things had happened in the month of April… Rotation is one. Eye infection is another. Major fall out with a loved one. Sudden passing on of my patient.. First patient complain.. Nerve wrecking dinner is another. Huge proposal rock is the latest..

Im now taking care of another ward…the ward that i was telling u about in an earlier post (where we had to cover for boss when she went on leave) The ward with 16 critical beds.. Patients are so much sicker here.. wherein lies the challenge. What should i do that is the best for them? There are some patients who you know there is nothing else you can do for them.. and the only thing left is to make their last days as comfortable as possible.. Yet it is not all sad stories i see in the ward.. it can be amazing you know.. the transformation of a really ill patient to a smiling, walking patient…The greatest words a patient can say to me.. is not "thank you".. but "im going home tomorrow"… :>

Im also learning alot in this ward..not just about the more complicated surgeries and various outcomes. but people-to-people relationships..There are so many cocky and arrogant pple out there.. many of which acquired via status and defference from their subordinates.. Yes, a learned and accomplished person is most definitely  deserving of respect. but when you get a kick from stepping on others and demand to be treated like a king.. i think its ridiculous. Yet, i cant put all the blame on these pompous a**holes.. afterall it takes 2 hands to clap. If you allow yourself to be brushed aside, you will be brushed aside.. So start respecting yourself.. that, even the most full-of-self-worth consultants cant take it away from you.

Eye infection. blurry vision. 1 week MC. Enough said. :<

Its been a really long time since i got so mad. Finally had a taste of wat they meant by eye blinding fury… Took so much self control to hold back those hurtful words, that my hands actually trembled. At the end, i had to leave the house to cool off.its either that or a war at home…I chose the former..haiz

Friday morning, i had the shock of my life…The status of Mr X showed "discharge" in the wee hours..Never expected him to pass away so suddenly. The deterioration was so drastic i sat staring at my screen for a full 5mins before bursting out to my Laoban. She told me to take it easy and…get used to it.
I dont think i ever will..
get used to it.
He was an extremely pleasant man..Always full of smiles…even when he was breathless and on 100% oxygen, he would still smile at me when i said good morning to him, or made him more comfortable in bed. I will always rem our session on thurs.. i ve never heard him so mad before. He raised his voice at a HO and got so agitated, i actually became slightly anxious about seeing him..(i was waiting for the HO to finish taking his blood you see).. but you wouldnt believe this.. he smiled at me when i went to him and greeted him. There was no sign of anger or agitation throughout our entire session and he cooperated every bit of the way.
Yes… and i still cant believe you are gone..

:<

Nerve wrecking dinner was… nerve wrecking.
Tried hard to make conversation but it doesnt seem to work. What do i feel after its over? Alitte sad.. They arent the first pple to make that comment, and probably wont be the last either… but it does hurt alittle.. coming from them… given that its the only comment, it prob mattered a great deal to them. Oh well, dont think about it ruby.. you will feel better..

Enough of sad things leh… time for some happy news!
Someone has been spotted wearing a decent-sized rock on her left 4th finger. heh heh..Apparently someone has popped the question.. :P  (names have been omited for privacy purposes) Congratulations!
Although i am starting to believe less and less in marriage and children given what i have seen.. i am still very much a fairytale person.. :>
I hope you will have a fairytale..

Went to Sherry’s house on Sat for her baby girl’s 1 month celebration.. All the way in Yishun…Was running slightly late le so we took cab and the cab never seem to be reaching!?! Goes to show how far Yishun is from Chinatown.. :<

Was trying to buy an appropriate gift for the couple and the baby..but had a small problem in the sense that neither of us could confirm for sure the gender of the baby..hee.. so we decided to buy a hamper full of baby products with gender-friendly colours.. hee.. wahh.. i never knew there were so manyyyyyy baby products available in hte market… in so many cute versions!! damn.. i bet i outgrew all the cute baby clothes real quick when i was young.. cos i dun see much photos of me in them.. :< and they can be pricey too… no wonder they say babies are big/heavy investments..which may not pay off..lol

But Xinru is so adorable! She is like typical babies… cute fat chubby cheeks and tiny tiny fingers and toes tat make you want to shield her from the evils of the world..Babies are amazing, if u think abt it.. they can make the coolest men make funny faces and sounds, attempt silly/endearing actions to try to make the babies smile/laugh…. things they wud definitely not do for a woman. :P  <—- fact of life 1

And soi watch Xinru do the 2 things babies do all day long. Eat. Sleep.
I always knew that babies needed to burp after a feed, but i have never heard a baby burp before. I wonder if its as loud and potentially as foul-smelling as adults? Cant be right?? i mean… have you ever heard of a baby having bad breath??? lol.

babies always make the world seem more beautiful…they may make you very frustrated with all the crying and fuss, but when they bestow upon you a beautiful smile, you cant help but smile back…

Exactly like my patients…

hmm… still prefer to play with other pple’s babies.. :>

Wo gan mao le.
Feeling feverish and having a sore throat is a combination i do not relish much.. esp feeling feverish.
Maybe its because my temp can creep really high in the middle of the night if uncontrolled and the shivers with alternating hot/cold flushes are something i cannot tolerate..
I hope i never get dengue fever…It might just take the fight out of me. :<

Last week was rather eventful… but i dun have the energy to elaborate in details… shall make a short list of the "happenings"..

1. I rejected a doctor’s request to borrow my stethoscope.. (for what reason i dont really noe.. but maybe its because of a combination of reasons : 1. the stethoscope is a gift. 2. I feel a doctor shld have his own stethoscope.. esp a HO. hmm.. 3. i didnt like the way he stretched out his hand even before finishing his qn, with the assumption i will surely lend it to him.. 4. PMS)

2. I exchanged wards with LaoBan for 3 days {took her ICA and HD - high dependency unit, both are step-down care from SICU (surgical intensive care unit) } The patients there are so much more ill than those i am used to treating.. with so many lines and drips/drains/monitoring units.. See or not to see. Sit out or not to sit out. Walk or not to walk…All these are questions that run through my mind for every single patient… but i am thankful for the opportunity… and thankful that i have not caused any serious injury to any patient.. yet. *touch wood*. Will be covering ICA for the next 2 weeks while Laoban goes on her well deserved holiday. Pls pray for me… and my patients.. :>

3. I had seen the passing of a few patients, all within a week. The most heartbreaking thing of it all, is that 2 of them had looked well a couple of days back…and the deterioration of illness had taken place so fast and drastically, it took all of us by surprise… i can only imagine the pain the family was experiencing, hugging each other in tears outside the room..

Life is so precious and short.. Keep your loved ones close by ur side.. you never know when he/she will be stolen away from you…

Its hard to imagine a love so pure and so deep …
so precious…
a love like theirs..

I had topped up my tissue paper holder before i left the house, only to have it almost empty again when i walked out of the cinema…

Some pple might comment dispassionately that what Jerry did was more cruel than if he had left silently..but i beg to differ. His only mistake was loving her too much.. He understood his wife so well that he knew she would only mop and very likely be unable to break through the cycle of mourning and grief. And the only person who is most likely to give her the strength is also the person who is causing her this tremendous grief - himself.

It takes great courage to accept your coming demise.. and it takes great love to plan for the future…near future.. It must have been heartbreaking for Jerry to pen each letter, even though his narration in the movie always sound so jovial..
And that’s what true love is..in my opinion..

To find a man to love you deep enough in life is already a tough enough task.. to find a man who loves you even after death, thats like finding a needle in a haysack..
*sigh*

I want to watch it again…

Hi, there is someone i would like you to meet

X
- is generous and extremely good-natured
- has a heart of gold
- has a level of patience which only my cousin can beat
- answers the phone so quickly like an automated machine reply
- pays attention to small details without losing the big picture
- has a quirky sense of humour with jokes which i sometimes dont quite catch
- has a deprecating smile (when jokes are not caught) that is quite endearing
- has good taste in choosing little trinklets
- has an artistic flair when the mood strikes
- always willing to go the extra mile in helping others without a word of unhappiness

- is not afraid of hardships

- has direction in life

and the list goes on..

I’m thankful to have met this someone…